Hi there,
Most of you haven't heard from me since December, some even longer than that, so I thought I'd make use of this long neglected server space and let all of you know what's been going on. When last I posted I was still living on Dane's couch. Well, since then I've spent nights in the park, on the trains, with a couple of friends, with the now ex-girlfriend, and eventually landed in a hostel. It's the largest hostel in the USA in fact. I started in their work exchange program in October. Honestly, this whole thing probably would have been impossible. I was working in the coffee bar of Jazz on the Park Hostel for a few months, and a little while back was moved into the position of events coordinator. Essentially the job entails getting people from all over the world together and making sure they have a good time. I can't really thing of a more perfect occupation for a guy like me. The only draw backs to this whole thing are that 1) I don't actually make any money. I just get a "free" place to stay. 2) I live in a room with 3 other guys that always smells like 4 guys live in it. 3) The management of the particular hostel I live in is absolutely ridiculous. However, I have since Xmas managed to get a couple of jobs that I not only love but are making me quite a bit more money. I get the feeling that within the next couple of weeks I will be able to move OUT of the hostel and into a place where if the room smells it's entirely my fault.
I must say that 2008 was a miserable year. It seems like left and right things were falling apart, and I couldn't seem to make sense of any of it. The only good things that came out of that year were some good times with Katherine, Rachael, Roscoe and a few others (I believe those of you from Ireland, Australia, and Cornwall know who you are), and the move to NYC. For a while, the NYC move seemed like a tremendous mistake. I was literally starving and living on the streets for a while. I would have days when escape seemed like the only sensible option. I have pushed through, and toward the end of 2008 things were not great but certainly looking up. I was home for Xmas for about a week, and as my return to NYC drew closer I was filled with both dread and hope in looking forward to the work that I knew was waiting for me back in the frozen city.
So far, 2009 has been amazing. I arrived back in the city with a new resolve and motivation to improve my situation as quickly as possible. First things first, Katherine and I finally decided to stop the on-again/0ff-again ridiculousness of our relationship. We broke things off completely, finally, and for the best for both. I hit the job hunt harder than ever, and in a very short time managed to land 2 positions that are proving not only lucrative but also fulfilling and challenging. The day job is with a company called Dialogue Direct. We do fund raising for the charity Children International. It pays well, I work with some amazing people, in a couple of months I get full benefits, and on top of it all I absolutely love the work. It is probably the most difficult work that I've ever done, but it is also the most rewarding. Knowing that I am actually making very positive changes in the lives of people who really need my help has made me able to do things for this job that I never would have attempted for others. My night job is still with Jazz planning events, but I have managed to expand it into a staff position at a night club called Pacha which is one of the largest night club management teams in the world, and connections with several bars and clubs in the city. As a result of my new connections, I have decided to put together my own night life promotions and events planning team. I have a few people already on board to get the company off of the ground. Now, it's just a matter of putting in the foot work to make more connections. Hopefully, in 6 months to a year I won't need a day job.
I have come to love New York. For a long time I had a longing to be in Alabama. I miss my family. I miss the weather. I had a very easy life in AL, and when things were more difficult here I was having a hard time justifying this move. Luckily, I am just stubborn and spitefull enough to think that if the city was going to put me through so much misery then I was not leaving until I got something good in return. My stubbornness is finally paying off. I love walking through the park and riding the trains. I love all of the languages and meeting new people every day. The city is intense in every way. The only thing that I still miss about Alabama is my family. I don't think most people realize how close I am to my family and how difficult it is to be away from them. We talk on the phone pretty frequently, but I still wish that I could make my weekly trip to my parents' house for family dinner. I miss sitting around the table and talking with all of them. Now that I'm making money I hope to be making frequent trips back, but the city has become home now. I am finally happy here.
The good news it that I have nothing but good news. To say the least, things are looking up. I hope that the next time I update this blog I will be doing so from my own computer in my own place and not from the front desk of the hostel. There are many of you that I miss dearly. Come visit me. As soon as I'm out of this place you will most definitely have a couch/floor/bed to crash on.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Monday, September 8, 2008
Is It Really So Strange?
Alright, so I had a small dream since last we parted. I was looking at what I think was a giant sink, looking at the drain, and swirling down toward the gaping maw at the bottom of this thing are eggs, whole eggs shells and all. The water that was coming out of the sink was washing down all kinds of eggs, chicken, quail, duck, ostrich. I had seen all of these on sale in Whole Foods a couple of days ago. It's funny that they showed up in my giant sink dream. I really want someone I know to buy one of those ostrich eggs to eat. I want to see someone crack it open. I bet that big of an egg would be a mess to prepare.
Well, as far as adventures go, I can't really say that anything too out of the ordinary has happened. In fact, things have been pretty familiar. Had way too many free drinks at a bar, because I'm friends with the bar tender. Woke up drunk and went to a couple of job interviews. ate knock off Thai food for dinner. It's a lot like home, but it takes for-freaking-ever to get anywhere. I like the subways, though. I like being in the tunnels crammed in so close to all of those people. I've alwasy been a fan of crowds. I don't know that I've seen the same stranger twice yet. Today, I sat next to a woman on the 1 from Times Square back up to Harlem. We were in the little 2 seat thing by the door. When I sat down the train was packed, and I was reading so we had to sit close. A few stops later the train was much less full. I could tell that she was uncomfortable that we were still sitting so near to one another. I just kept sitting there reading Watchmen and occasionally looking up to see where I was. It was a game. Who would get up first? The seats across from us were empty, plenty of room. At one point she asked a guy standing next to us what time it was, and he said "It's two fift..." I asked if he had said "fifteen" or "fifty." She started to turn to me and actually be friendly before she caught herself and went back to being made uncomfortable by our proximity. She almost made the decision to be okay with being friendly. I think that's what I like about the trains. Sometimes you make short connections with the people you spot, even if it's just smiling across the crowd, and sometimes the hispanic lady you're next to is freaked out by your comic books. I was the first to move. My stop came before her's. Thus, the game was ended. Maybe tomorrow I can read the bible on the train and cackle maniacally at the gory and sexy parts. Boils... Sheep teeth... Haha...
I talked to some people today about jobs. I interviewed at a temp agency this morning, I talked to a guy about working in a place that is the first place ever to serve pizza in the U.S., and I talked on the phone with someone about being a banquet waiter for a catering company. I'm most excited about the catering thing. Apparently, this company does a lot of business and it's for some of the most expensive events in the city. I could probably meet some pretty great people. I like. Tomorrow, I have a face to face interview with the catering guy, and a phone interview with a promotions company that does parties and shows at bars and clubs. It was funny talking on the phone with the catering guy today. He was so incredibly, painstakingly careful about everything he said, and he repeated himself over and over. At first, it seemed like he was being condescending, but after a few minutes, and this was a long call, I realized that it was just the way he talked. That's probably the way that he talks to everyone, super polite, tiptoeing around everything he was going to say for far longer than necessary before he actually came out with it. I was laughing about it when I got off of the phone. Now, I'm interested to see if he's the same way in person.
Last week was good. This week is shaping up to be better. Hopefully, things will keep getting better, and maybe... just maybe... I'll actually find gainful employment and some money to go have fun on. Until then, humans, I love you all dearly. Don't get lonely. If you do, go to a crowded place with a bible tomorrow and laugh so loud at it that you make everyone around you uncomfortable. That can be our little time together.
Well, as far as adventures go, I can't really say that anything too out of the ordinary has happened. In fact, things have been pretty familiar. Had way too many free drinks at a bar, because I'm friends with the bar tender. Woke up drunk and went to a couple of job interviews. ate knock off Thai food for dinner. It's a lot like home, but it takes for-freaking-ever to get anywhere. I like the subways, though. I like being in the tunnels crammed in so close to all of those people. I've alwasy been a fan of crowds. I don't know that I've seen the same stranger twice yet. Today, I sat next to a woman on the 1 from Times Square back up to Harlem. We were in the little 2 seat thing by the door. When I sat down the train was packed, and I was reading so we had to sit close. A few stops later the train was much less full. I could tell that she was uncomfortable that we were still sitting so near to one another. I just kept sitting there reading Watchmen and occasionally looking up to see where I was. It was a game. Who would get up first? The seats across from us were empty, plenty of room. At one point she asked a guy standing next to us what time it was, and he said "It's two fift..." I asked if he had said "fifteen" or "fifty." She started to turn to me and actually be friendly before she caught herself and went back to being made uncomfortable by our proximity. She almost made the decision to be okay with being friendly. I think that's what I like about the trains. Sometimes you make short connections with the people you spot, even if it's just smiling across the crowd, and sometimes the hispanic lady you're next to is freaked out by your comic books. I was the first to move. My stop came before her's. Thus, the game was ended. Maybe tomorrow I can read the bible on the train and cackle maniacally at the gory and sexy parts. Boils... Sheep teeth... Haha...
I talked to some people today about jobs. I interviewed at a temp agency this morning, I talked to a guy about working in a place that is the first place ever to serve pizza in the U.S., and I talked on the phone with someone about being a banquet waiter for a catering company. I'm most excited about the catering thing. Apparently, this company does a lot of business and it's for some of the most expensive events in the city. I could probably meet some pretty great people. I like. Tomorrow, I have a face to face interview with the catering guy, and a phone interview with a promotions company that does parties and shows at bars and clubs. It was funny talking on the phone with the catering guy today. He was so incredibly, painstakingly careful about everything he said, and he repeated himself over and over. At first, it seemed like he was being condescending, but after a few minutes, and this was a long call, I realized that it was just the way he talked. That's probably the way that he talks to everyone, super polite, tiptoeing around everything he was going to say for far longer than necessary before he actually came out with it. I was laughing about it when I got off of the phone. Now, I'm interested to see if he's the same way in person.
Last week was good. This week is shaping up to be better. Hopefully, things will keep getting better, and maybe... just maybe... I'll actually find gainful employment and some money to go have fun on. Until then, humans, I love you all dearly. Don't get lonely. If you do, go to a crowded place with a bible tomorrow and laugh so loud at it that you make everyone around you uncomfortable. That can be our little time together.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Keeping It Friendly
I usually try to start blogs out with a weird dream that I’ve had recently, but I haven’t been dreaming much since I had my tonsils out. I’ve been sleeping better, but I haven’t been dreaming. Maybe, they were my weird dream glands. I don’t think that many people have seen or talked to me since before the surgery. I’ll just say that if you are considering getting a couple of meat hunks cut out of the back of your throat, maybe you should find a less excruciating way to spend your time. It’s horribe. There’s really no way to overstate the pain. Don't do it.
Moving on.
Monday, 1 September 2008 I landed at La Guardia airport to start my new whatever this is going to be in New York City. I’m living in Washington Heights right now, way up on the west side. It’s pretty nice, gorgeous park, lots of Dominicans. It’s pretty much everything you could want. I’ve sold off almost everything I own so that this move would be as light and inexpensive as I could make it. I wound up with a 40 pound duffle bag full of clothes and sundries, and a 25 pound back pack full of books. Still, feel free to let me know if you want a recliner or a computer...
I’m not completely sure what I’m doing here. I just know that I wanted a change. I’ve been job hunting for the past couple of days. This city is exhausting. Walkingwalkingwalking... I have signed up with a few tallent agencies who do extras stuff. I’m sending resumes to people. I’d like to start a new band. Really, I’m just doing anything I can and seeing if something works. I’ve only been here 4 days, but if feels like I’ve been here longer. I need a job soon. I handed out a stack of resumes yesterday. I’ll take just about anything. I want to be able to live with more freedom, but for now I just want to pay the rent.
Today is laundry day. I don’t have much to wash, but I will be accompanying my incredibly gorgeous and tallented girlfriend to wash her things. She lives in Harlem about 50 blocks south of me. Not much English is spoken on her or my streets, but she speaks some Spanish. I’m glad that this is all we have planned for the day, because I don’t know that my legs would be very happy with another day of walking all over the city looking for jobs. We’ll start again Monday. For now, the laundry.
It rained like crazy last night, and we were soaked through by the time we made it to the train. The rain here tastes awful and stings your eyes. I must say that so far I don’t like this city as much as I like Alabama. It just isn’t as pretty of a place. I just hope that I am able to make the most of the opportunities that are here while I am here. I don’t know that I care whether I end up doing more acting, playing with a band, or promoting while I’m here. I like doing all of those things. I just don’t want to feel stuck the way that I did at times in Birmingham. The 8 to 5 grind just doesn’t seem right. A job isn’t supposed to be your whole life. When The Homos first started, the reason that I was so crazy all of the time was out of rebellion against the other half of my life, well that and I was finally free of the life I had lived in college. Eight to fiver. In for lifer. It’s a terrible way to live. If this NYC thing doesn’t work out in the next few years, I think I may try for a move to Italy. I can pick up Italian pretty quickly. I’m a smart guy. I already speak a little. I understand more. I may end up in grad school. All that I am sure of right now is that I am not interested in any more ruts. My whole time at college I stuck myself in a rut. I’ve done better since then, and hopefully I’m on my way to doing better still.
Anyway, this is the first of what will hopefully be numerous and frequent updates on what’s happening here with me. You know, the first episode is always nothing but set-up. Nothing fun really starts happening until later on. I hope everyone is feeling fat, sassy, and overjoyed. Until next time...
Moving on.
Monday, 1 September 2008 I landed at La Guardia airport to start my new whatever this is going to be in New York City. I’m living in Washington Heights right now, way up on the west side. It’s pretty nice, gorgeous park, lots of Dominicans. It’s pretty much everything you could want. I’ve sold off almost everything I own so that this move would be as light and inexpensive as I could make it. I wound up with a 40 pound duffle bag full of clothes and sundries, and a 25 pound back pack full of books. Still, feel free to let me know if you want a recliner or a computer...
I’m not completely sure what I’m doing here. I just know that I wanted a change. I’ve been job hunting for the past couple of days. This city is exhausting. Walkingwalkingwalking... I have signed up with a few tallent agencies who do extras stuff. I’m sending resumes to people. I’d like to start a new band. Really, I’m just doing anything I can and seeing if something works. I’ve only been here 4 days, but if feels like I’ve been here longer. I need a job soon. I handed out a stack of resumes yesterday. I’ll take just about anything. I want to be able to live with more freedom, but for now I just want to pay the rent.
Today is laundry day. I don’t have much to wash, but I will be accompanying my incredibly gorgeous and tallented girlfriend to wash her things. She lives in Harlem about 50 blocks south of me. Not much English is spoken on her or my streets, but she speaks some Spanish. I’m glad that this is all we have planned for the day, because I don’t know that my legs would be very happy with another day of walking all over the city looking for jobs. We’ll start again Monday. For now, the laundry.
It rained like crazy last night, and we were soaked through by the time we made it to the train. The rain here tastes awful and stings your eyes. I must say that so far I don’t like this city as much as I like Alabama. It just isn’t as pretty of a place. I just hope that I am able to make the most of the opportunities that are here while I am here. I don’t know that I care whether I end up doing more acting, playing with a band, or promoting while I’m here. I like doing all of those things. I just don’t want to feel stuck the way that I did at times in Birmingham. The 8 to 5 grind just doesn’t seem right. A job isn’t supposed to be your whole life. When The Homos first started, the reason that I was so crazy all of the time was out of rebellion against the other half of my life, well that and I was finally free of the life I had lived in college. Eight to fiver. In for lifer. It’s a terrible way to live. If this NYC thing doesn’t work out in the next few years, I think I may try for a move to Italy. I can pick up Italian pretty quickly. I’m a smart guy. I already speak a little. I understand more. I may end up in grad school. All that I am sure of right now is that I am not interested in any more ruts. My whole time at college I stuck myself in a rut. I’ve done better since then, and hopefully I’m on my way to doing better still.
Anyway, this is the first of what will hopefully be numerous and frequent updates on what’s happening here with me. You know, the first episode is always nothing but set-up. Nothing fun really starts happening until later on. I hope everyone is feeling fat, sassy, and overjoyed. Until next time...
Old Blogs
Here's some back-story stuff. They're my old blogs from Myspace that hadn't been deleted yet.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Solace Current mood: excited
Dear life long hatred,I made a new friend today. I call him escape. He makes me happy when the rest of my life is "just too much for me to handle."Love,StupidDear stupid,Stop waisting my carbon and start being dead.Love,VeganRockDouchExistentialistLook, if you can't handle the life you've been living, it's your fault. Deal with it.The world is a weird place.I want you to have as many problems as possible.boyfriendsgirlfriendsrabiesI love you. I don't like you.If I said that you were my favorite thing, would you believe it?In short, I don't care what you think.I only care what you feel.If that's too much for you,get off of my planet.I love you.I'm too much.I'm only ever enough.In the dark, you still have me.In me, you still have yourself.In yourself, you still have nothing.In nothing, you still are.Don't talk about me.I'm not your friend.Don't cry about me.I won't say good-bye.Don't talk about me.We never were.Don't think about me.We make the same mistakes.After 40 thousand years of the same thing over and over again, you'd think we would learn. I love us. Extinction is just a breath away. Dear coelurosaurs, We'll see you soon.Love,The suicide machine/prefrontal death squadHave you heard about me?Have you hearda boutme?Hav eyou heard About me?Have youheard a boutme?Do you know what you're in for?Dear diary,I have something they will never understand.Dear diary,I can't relate to anyone.Dear diary, If I ever become human, please find someone to kill me.Dear diary,I will never leave you with anything but questions.Love,The MonsterLove,Something ElseLove,The MonsterI make the world worth the time.I make you Worth the breath.I make food worth the distention.I make god worth believing in.Have you ever seen a ghost?haveyoueverwantedtoknowwhatitmeanstobearealperson?I am something more.If I said that I was a god,If I said that I was nothing at all,WhatwouldbethedifferenceIf I said that I am who I amI love you,WHOEVERYOUARE
Sunday, July 29, 2007
pulse Current mood: sore
The door to my bedroom opens, and she's standing there, nothing but hip bones and a smile. She says something completely incomprehensible and turns to walk toward the kitchen. From behind her out of the bathroom as soon as she's about half way to the kitchen, a flock of thousands of birds starts pouring out into the hallway. They're flying toward the living room. I hear her scream, and I know that they've killed her. The last bird come hopping out of the bathroom into my room. Flaps up onto the foot of my bed, I smile, and I wake up.I'm not waiting for anyone anymore. It's a silly way to go about things.Now, it's just a matter of me sorting out everything that I've been putting off for so long.I go into idiotic slumps where I stop appreciating even the most basic things: friends, good food, being alive. When I start to come out of them as I am doing now, I'm always disappointed in myself. I cling so tightly to being miserable that I miss opportunities. I start to ruin things before I get a chance to appreciate them. Once I start to pick things back up I realize what I've been doing, but when I'm in the middle of being a depressed moron I do a great job of blinding myself to anything good that may be going on.Not being on stage is making me crazy. I want to be back out soon. I spend all of my time thinking about it. Well, that and girls.I'm very distracted right now. We'll talk later.
Sunday, April 01, 2007
pressure Current mood: tired
we draw our own lines. you are up to you.it's true. i never needed to be provoked. it comes to me without reason or any immediately understandable meaning. i understand. it's poison.we're all sorry.blame disease.where do we put things like this? virtue is a game.i'm lying in bed under blankets, but i'm still cold. suddenly, a woman is at the door to my bedroom speaking to me, but i can't understand what she's saying. the room is dark, so all that i can tell is that she is tall, has hair past her shoulders, and is naked. she gets frustrated with me for not understanding and comes closer. i still can't understand. she comes even closer. i still can't understand. she stands at the foot of my bed, but i still can't understand. she walks up onto the bed, leans down so that she is face to face with me, she screams, and i wake up.i am unmarked. tiny scars. nothing distinguishing. no rites of passage.what was the reasoning? how did you come to this conclusion?what wasn't enough...or too much?i want to end in defiance. i want to end in rage.pain and loneliness like everything else are opportunities.i want never to be satisfied. i want never to be complete.growth is impossible without pain.somethings are impossibly painful.sometimes we are impossibly lonesome.
Friday, September 08, 2006
Frequency Current mood: Unencumbered
Lately, my dreams have involved people around me in the dreams crying, and me trying to help them. No birds lately. I have at times been singing in my dreams. At times I have been under water. But, most of my dreams have either been the sort of barrage of images that leave a few impressions but no cohesive story or me comforting someone.I'm cutting back.Interest has led to excess.Excess has led to dullness.Dullness has led to shortage.Shortage has led to necessity.I'm cutting back.Desire has led to action.Action has led to addition.Addition has led to submersion.Submersion has led to submission.I'm cutting back.I took him apart as best I could.No one hated him as much as I did.He did it to me.I did it to him.He's dead and buried.It's time to stop.It's time to start.He's dead and buried.I'm cutting back.To remain stable, I have to remain in flux. Staying stationary wears on me. I am transitioning, again. I'm getting hints as to where I'm going, but like evey other life I've lived, I won't know it until it's over just who I'll end up.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Mistaken Current mood: contemplative
It's like a turnstile. Confluence, separation, hope of eventual release, gratification, reunion.Distill a moment. Take apart the cobwebs of interaction. Refine your ideas about situation and circumstance. The time comes for us to ask ourselves, "How could this be solved," and "How could this be better?"They disturb me every time. Smokestacks, monoliths. Skyscrapers, pyramids.The very idea that is represented in the name...How is anyone comfortable with this?Their divinity is a shambles. How does one pull so far from the source and still maintain a semblance of sanity? Idolators, The Book and The Cross. How has this gone on for so long?It is the charge of the atheist to assist those who have left one occasion for closed mindedness in feeling comfort in another.Letting go is letting go. Conversion is swinging from branch to branch.Never assume an understanding.lightbringerlightbringerlightbringerlightbringerlightbringerlightbringerThe stains on my fingers bring back memories of snakes and dirt. I remember being underground and lighting fires. I'm taken to unfinished houses and buried experiments.Today, they're barely recognizable, but I still have then with me now.I wonder just how different it is to experience an entire lifetime in a few days than to drag in on for 100 years. Do the moments pass by more slowly? Does one come to appreciate seconds as days? Minutes as years? Is every interaction savored?It is in relation that one defines identity.She can expect 3 things: Removal, experimentation, and incineration. Aside from this, she is just as in the dark as the rest of us.No choice, no problem.How will she see herself? How much of herself has she invested?What is it to her that is being taken away?When the occasions come to me, I hope that I will always reply with, "I am better for this loss. I am stronger for this pain. I am happier without."It is a compromise of the integrity of the vessel. It is a displacement of something obviously necessary. It is a case of matter over matter.I have no concern for discerning splinters and planks. When a problem is found it should be solved. He has only a small window into the workings of the machine. Do not trust the external. Do not trust what appears to be inside.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Confluence Current mood: awake
I overheard the cutest conversation at Al's today between 2 Turkish girls. It involved a lot of, "I swear to Allah," and, "You dirty bitch," in Turkish accents.The inspector says to wait right where I am, and he will be back. Brittany (Spears) says to me, "Let's get out of here while he's not looking. If we don't, he'll take you away." So, we make our way out of the building into the streets of Rome (Italy). We're running and holding hands all over the city for hours before hordes of people with cameras finally surround us and corner us. What do Brittany and I do? What anyone under such circumstances would, we start having crazy animal sex while standing there in the street. At the front of the gang of photographers are my parents. They too have cameras and in between taking shots of me and Brittany are talking about how much they disapprove of me having sex there in the street. I just yell back, "Shut up and keep shooting."Yet another clip from my amazing dream life. Wow, i don't even think that Brittany Spears is all that attractive....or attractive at all.An even dispersion of particles and energy in the universe would have resulted in nothing like the universe we now enjoy. It is in seeming random occurance, asymetry, and imbalance that possibilities arise.I want to cut a grand canyon. I want to break the levee.This month's bird dream has less to do with actual birds and more to do with me wearing feathers on my arms. I'm watching myself walk in an outfit that consists of bare feet, tight black pants, and sleeves covered in feathers. Not a full shirt, mind you, just sleeves. First, I'm walking on the stage at the highnote. The building is empty aside from me. It's dark, but I am fully illuminated. I walk to the edge of the stage from the back corner, and, then, the scene changes. I'm walking down a street. I think it's the five points. People are passing me and giving odd looks to my feathers. My arms are entwined behind me, and I am slowly opening them out to my sides. The scene changes again. This time, I'm on top of a building. I'm facing a crowd gathered on top of the building, and I quickly turn my back to them. I walk to the ledge, I lean forward, and I wake up.He says it's special with a tone like a kid scratching the words into a bench or the wall of bathroom stall.She'll ask me later, "was that really necessary?"I'll have to insist that it wasn't.Drunk on immorality.If it happens the way that we want it to, things will get very serious very quickly.I was glad I never heard from her. Things would have turned out much differently if I had.Motion......motion....What am I thinking about?.....Forward.To be a good existentialist, one must love one's miseries just as much as one's pleasures. That does not mean that one should seek our misery, but that one should accept it just as happily when it comes along.I want a new suit. When the weather gets to be as nice as it has been lately, it becomes more and more difficult to go to work. By the middle of May, I'll be quite obviously wollowing in misery the whole time I'm there and completely elated every time I leave. The summer can't come quickly enough for me.I'm writing new music. I'm really sick of playing the same songs over and over again. We're learning some new songs, too. I think that covers are great to have in a set not just because people like to hear familiar songs, but because it let's people know where you're coming from. It gives a context for the original music one makes. For those who care, and insider's peek:Losing: slower songs, less energetic songsGaining: faster songs, uglier songs, more original materialCutting my finger and toe nails and my hair seems like a waste of materials. I have to throw it all away. I couldn't digest it even if i tried to recycle it. I'm wasting money on the food I'm using to produce these things that I am just going to throw away. That growth should be volitional. When I want a new hair style, I will my hair to grow. When a finger or toe nail breaks, I will it to grow out so that I can cut off the damage. EFFICIENCY!The ego is at all times an obstacle.
Monday, February 27, 2006
i'll be mine. Current mood: savage
protect me protect meat this point, very few things matter to me that don't have to do with music, women, destruction, and having a good time. all that i lack is funding.i have embarked upon a new project. it isn't building. it's taking apart. i just found a new inspiration and i'm running with it.the will of my desire is enough justification for my actions. the christians (those who bother to think from time to time, anyway) believe that the christ was completely man and completely divine simultaneously. for this to be true, he would necessarily posess two wills, a divine will and a human will. this is why in the garden of gethsemane he prayed that the cup be taken from him, but that the divine will be done. this is also an explaination for his sacrifice of himself to himself, ie. the man sacrificing himself to his own divinity.it is within the substance of time that being takes form. extrinsic of this circumstance, there is no division or separation.it is a matter of equivalent exchange. the destroyer must also be that through and by which rebirth is achieved.from what i can tell. the differences between the gods of hinduism and humanity lie only in the kinds of separation from brahman each posess. this seems to be acknowledged in some forms of buddhism in which men and gods are directly addressed as being the same. sometimes, i am uncomfortable with the battles i choose. being uncomfortable isn't something aversive to me. i would much rather be uncomfortable than content. i prefer to do everything to excess. i don't live in moderation. if i dive into something, it's always face first and as hard as i can. that's why i have to choose my habits and occupations wisely.once, i was standing knee deep in the ocean and the rip-tide caught my legs. i was dragged a few meters down the beach under water and my glasses (i wore glasses at the time) were sucked off of my face never to be seen again. it was amazing. this past saturday, bloody mike, Mr. D, hunter, and i went to see the sex workers' art show, and it was amazing. i highly recommend attending if at all possible. their web site has a list of dates for this year's tour.i'm working on a few songs at once. this means that work is coming along slowly. different themes. in a related note, i left one of my notebooks in a bar last week and have yet to pick it back up. problematic. it had a couple of the new songs in it, and i don't remember them without it. i like the one that i started tonight. it's called "i'll be mine." i doubt that The Homos will do anything with it, but maybe i will some day on my own.alcohol greatly diminishes my creative output.since the discovery of therapods with feathers, all of the shows about prehistoric life that i've seen that feature therapods have shown them with feathers. i really like it. velociraptors with blue and green feathers are far more fun than the redish, scaley animals of jurassic park. thanks discovery chanel.i had heard that humans can have a genetic disorder that causes skin cells to be shed in the form of scales. i am having trouble, however, finding anything out about it.last month's dream:i'm holding a cage. it's about two feet long, one foot wide, and 6 inces deep. in it are red and black flowers that look a lot like the followingthe doors on the top of the cage come open, and the flowers begin turning into tiny blue and black birds about the size of finches. what is happening is the birds are puting their wings up over their heads and turning their feathers out so that they look like flowers because their under-feathers are red and black. well, when the birds hop out onto the top of the cage, larger birds that looked like doves come swooping down to catch and eat them. i have to swat the larger birds away and put all of the little birds/flowers back into the cage. by far, the most visually beautiful dream i've ever had.that's all for now.
Monday, January 23, 2006
Persistence Current mood: Open
"We will each write a ghost story," said Lord Byron, and his proposition was acceded to. -Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley the construction of a persona for oneself is an activity to which people should pay more careful and close attention. you are what you make yourself. i, too, should be a bit more careful."And where does he now exist? Is this gentle and lovely being lost forever? Has this mind, so replete with ideas, imaginations fanciful nad magnificent, which formed a world, whose existence depended on the life of its creator - has this mind perished?"the buddhist discribe it as the trasient nature of the universe. it is the tendency and necessity of all things in existence to change. this includes coming in to existence and ceasing to exist. i've heard western philosophers call the acceptance of such as a "grim resolve." it is, dispite this seemingly loaded description, a necessary resolve.a person cannot be free without it.it isn't self preservation that keeps me from it. it seems that self-destruction is for the most part my primary motivator. i don't fee that i have the right to put those i love in positions where i know that they will be hurt.i want to live in a place that allows me to dance as wildly as i want without having to worry about taking out a lamp."Man's yesterday may ne'er be like his morrow:Nought may endure but mutability!"self-destruction in terms of psyche. i have no motivation to do away with myself physically. i'm not that kind of coward.the pain in my head makes me want to turn the music up even louder. i do the same thing when a tooth aches. if something hurts, i exacerbate it until it learns its lesson. this makes me think of dostoevsky.you take the pieces of all of the lives you live and you make something interesting out of them. i call them my skins or my corpses. you weave them together into what you want to be, and when you stop wanting that, you make something new.i want to learn to breath and eat fire, but i don't want to burn off my face in the process.she sings like her father. the cadence, she learned it from him.when standing and feeling unsteady, i try to think about the earth and the way that it extends in a seemingly infinite expanse in all directions.the only way to feel okay with the things that you do seeming like they are all for nothing is to make that your intention in the first place. the secret to abandoning disappointment all together is to enter into experience and action without expectation for any outcome, positive or negative."The form of the monster on whom I had bestowed existence was forever before my eyes, and i raved incessantly concerning him."my shadow agrees. the lights should be out.i'm running so low on the materials necessary to fake it that i believe i will have go give them the real thing for a while.hume describes it a few thousand years after the hindus and the buddha. in buddhism i've heard it described as the coalescence of the aggregates of the self. the self is itself not a being. it in fact does not exist. the only things that are knowable are metaphysical simples, perceptions. a girl made me think about this recently durring a conversation about cloning. she is a christian and asked, "do you believe in souls?"to which i replied, "i have a hard enough time believing that i exist most days. i don't make that kind of leap."god, i think i understand heidegger now.....
Monday, January 02, 2006
The Ride Current mood: Tired, but Really Good
the plan was this: go to nashville, meet andrija, go to parties, guerilla rock, get arrested; end up back at the house at some point.what happend was this: go to nashville; meet andrija; go to parties; HATE the parties; get lost/lose most of The Homos at 2:00a.m.; go to memphis with Roo, Shona, and Justice at 2:30 a.m.; stay in worst motel in memphis from 5:30 to 10:30 a.m., but don't sleep because of the stymulants still pumping in the blood; realize what a bad idea sparks, champagne, and coffee are when consumed together; have an awesome day in memphis; drive for 6 years back to town; go to dinner; pass out watching the exorcism of emily rose.yeah, it's been a good weekend. i'm really glad i'm off work today. did you know that vegans in memphis either move out or die from starvation? it's true. there isn't a goddamned thing for a vegan to eat in memphis. it's all barbecue and fried fish. jeez. we had such a good time on our spontaneous road trip. the motel that we stayed in had a sign that read "M T L." apparently, vowels are way too expensive for them to be bothered to buy even 2. the biggest question that arose from staying in this place was regarding the shoe scuff marks on the walls. they were up near the ceiling. what the hell would a person have to be doing to scuff their shoes that high up on the walls? i mean, i'm a pretty adventurous guy, but wow. Shona, me, and a little bit of Rachael (Roo)Justice at the window, Rachael in the chair, The Monster changing channels with toes.Walking the streets of MemphisI'm really not sure what I'm doing here.I decided to give a lesson on transcription-RNA...or maybe we were looking for food.this sign roughly translates to "Vegans Go Home!"there are few people in the world that i could stand being in the car with for as long as our group was together. thanks guys. maybe, we can do it again. next time we're going to vegas.friday night was really good as well. it included more heart-to-hearts with elliott and a whole load of drinking at metal head john's with Roo, charlie conway, metal head kevin, chuck, and camcakes. we went bar hopping in tuscaloosa where i met ANOTHER cute lesbian from new orleans. sorry, KOD, but i didn't get her number for you. she had a girlfriend, anyway. i know this because i made out with both of them. FUN TIMES! i was almost kicked out of that bar. they apparently don't take too kindly to people who don't wear shirts. at the next bar, i met some really nice girls. one really pretty girl with blue eyes and dark hair who made fun of the other people in the bar with me. hooray for boys with baseball caps and little to no sense. girls are awesome. i just can't get along with boys most of the time. my phone died early in the evening, so i couldn't round up everyone in town to hop with us. sorry.man, i'm glad that i'm back to having a good time.sorry, but this is blog is free of the usual musings. i just wanted to update you guys on my splendiferous weekend. happy new year, everyone. make it a good one.
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Source Current mood: Expansive (not espensive)
when i woke up this morning, i looked like i had been lynched by a mob of angry drag queens. according to my stomach, they're still dragging me behind their pt cruiser.this has nothing to do with you. i live my life one sledge hammer blow to the head at a time. how the hell did i get here?someone said to me last night that he had not seen me in a long time. i said that i wasn't around too much. he asked me where i had been and i didn't have an answer. i'm not sure how i feel about that. what have i been doing?don't try to fool yourself. no one is above the influence.i live epileptically. my ictal lover. is this the aura left over from the last or leading up to the next grand mal? my myoclonic interests. my atonic conviction. locking and releasing. exhausting blackouts. firing and firing and firing.does it make sense to anyone else that my fingernails feel heavy today? i know i don't have any tactile sensory neurons in my fingernails, but the feel different.i'm really not sure why men feel comfortable acting more "gay" around me, but they do. straight guys will kiss each other like crazy when i'm around. this goes especially for guys at my shows. i don't think they kiss that much when i'm not around. guys always want to kiss me, too. these are guys who claim to be straight. i guess everyone's a little gay, and i just happen to bring it out of people. no offence meant here boys. i'm not saying whether or not this is a good thing for these guys, but i'm really not interested in making out with a bunch of guys....or any guys for that matter. skulldura materarachnoid layerpia matercortexparietalfrontal occipitaltemporalcerebellumbrain stemspinal chordshe pushes me. she sees how far she can get with me, and i just take it. to this day i can't say why.something needs to happen and soon. this is what i've been refering to as deliquescing. i've stopped seeing myself as a solid object. i've become fluid in a way that doesn't make me more able to adapt or move through situations, but in a way that makes me leach out into everything around me to the point of losing definition. there has to be a way that i can use this to my advantage.he said to me after the show, "your scream is much better than mine." in a weird way, i really appreciate that.eating the aminita muscaria will induce hallucinations. drinking the urine of a person who has recently eaten the aminita muscaria provides a much more intense experience as the chemical is isolated in the individual's body and expelled in the urine. eating the aminita phelodes will begin a process that modern medical science has yet to find a way to stop. it systematially shuts down a person's internal organs until they eventually and painfully die. all a doctor can do is give an individual who has ingested the aminita phelodes morphine so that she/he cares less about the excruciating pain. same genus, different species. know your mushrooms.i may have to marry the first girl who can cook me a really good bowl of kitsune soba.i've started puting much more space between what i write. observation.if i could have a pair of wings, i would want them to be the same color as my hair. that just seems to make sense.i think i'm done with this one.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Solace Current mood: excited
Dear life long hatred,I made a new friend today. I call him escape. He makes me happy when the rest of my life is "just too much for me to handle."Love,StupidDear stupid,Stop waisting my carbon and start being dead.Love,VeganRockDouchExistentialistLook, if you can't handle the life you've been living, it's your fault. Deal with it.The world is a weird place.I want you to have as many problems as possible.boyfriendsgirlfriendsrabiesI love you. I don't like you.If I said that you were my favorite thing, would you believe it?In short, I don't care what you think.I only care what you feel.If that's too much for you,get off of my planet.I love you.I'm too much.I'm only ever enough.In the dark, you still have me.In me, you still have yourself.In yourself, you still have nothing.In nothing, you still are.Don't talk about me.I'm not your friend.Don't cry about me.I won't say good-bye.Don't talk about me.We never were.Don't think about me.We make the same mistakes.After 40 thousand years of the same thing over and over again, you'd think we would learn. I love us. Extinction is just a breath away. Dear coelurosaurs, We'll see you soon.Love,The suicide machine/prefrontal death squadHave you heard about me?Have you hearda boutme?Hav eyou heard About me?Have youheard a boutme?Do you know what you're in for?Dear diary,I have something they will never understand.Dear diary,I can't relate to anyone.Dear diary, If I ever become human, please find someone to kill me.Dear diary,I will never leave you with anything but questions.Love,The MonsterLove,Something ElseLove,The MonsterI make the world worth the time.I make you Worth the breath.I make food worth the distention.I make god worth believing in.Have you ever seen a ghost?haveyoueverwantedtoknowwhatitmeanstobearealperson?I am something more.If I said that I was a god,If I said that I was nothing at all,WhatwouldbethedifferenceIf I said that I am who I amI love you,WHOEVERYOUARE
Sunday, July 29, 2007
pulse Current mood: sore
The door to my bedroom opens, and she's standing there, nothing but hip bones and a smile. She says something completely incomprehensible and turns to walk toward the kitchen. From behind her out of the bathroom as soon as she's about half way to the kitchen, a flock of thousands of birds starts pouring out into the hallway. They're flying toward the living room. I hear her scream, and I know that they've killed her. The last bird come hopping out of the bathroom into my room. Flaps up onto the foot of my bed, I smile, and I wake up.I'm not waiting for anyone anymore. It's a silly way to go about things.Now, it's just a matter of me sorting out everything that I've been putting off for so long.I go into idiotic slumps where I stop appreciating even the most basic things: friends, good food, being alive. When I start to come out of them as I am doing now, I'm always disappointed in myself. I cling so tightly to being miserable that I miss opportunities. I start to ruin things before I get a chance to appreciate them. Once I start to pick things back up I realize what I've been doing, but when I'm in the middle of being a depressed moron I do a great job of blinding myself to anything good that may be going on.Not being on stage is making me crazy. I want to be back out soon. I spend all of my time thinking about it. Well, that and girls.I'm very distracted right now. We'll talk later.
Sunday, April 01, 2007
pressure Current mood: tired
we draw our own lines. you are up to you.it's true. i never needed to be provoked. it comes to me without reason or any immediately understandable meaning. i understand. it's poison.we're all sorry.blame disease.where do we put things like this? virtue is a game.i'm lying in bed under blankets, but i'm still cold. suddenly, a woman is at the door to my bedroom speaking to me, but i can't understand what she's saying. the room is dark, so all that i can tell is that she is tall, has hair past her shoulders, and is naked. she gets frustrated with me for not understanding and comes closer. i still can't understand. she comes even closer. i still can't understand. she stands at the foot of my bed, but i still can't understand. she walks up onto the bed, leans down so that she is face to face with me, she screams, and i wake up.i am unmarked. tiny scars. nothing distinguishing. no rites of passage.what was the reasoning? how did you come to this conclusion?what wasn't enough...or too much?i want to end in defiance. i want to end in rage.pain and loneliness like everything else are opportunities.i want never to be satisfied. i want never to be complete.growth is impossible without pain.somethings are impossibly painful.sometimes we are impossibly lonesome.
Friday, September 08, 2006
Frequency Current mood: Unencumbered
Lately, my dreams have involved people around me in the dreams crying, and me trying to help them. No birds lately. I have at times been singing in my dreams. At times I have been under water. But, most of my dreams have either been the sort of barrage of images that leave a few impressions but no cohesive story or me comforting someone.I'm cutting back.Interest has led to excess.Excess has led to dullness.Dullness has led to shortage.Shortage has led to necessity.I'm cutting back.Desire has led to action.Action has led to addition.Addition has led to submersion.Submersion has led to submission.I'm cutting back.I took him apart as best I could.No one hated him as much as I did.He did it to me.I did it to him.He's dead and buried.It's time to stop.It's time to start.He's dead and buried.I'm cutting back.To remain stable, I have to remain in flux. Staying stationary wears on me. I am transitioning, again. I'm getting hints as to where I'm going, but like evey other life I've lived, I won't know it until it's over just who I'll end up.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Mistaken Current mood: contemplative
It's like a turnstile. Confluence, separation, hope of eventual release, gratification, reunion.Distill a moment. Take apart the cobwebs of interaction. Refine your ideas about situation and circumstance. The time comes for us to ask ourselves, "How could this be solved," and "How could this be better?"They disturb me every time. Smokestacks, monoliths. Skyscrapers, pyramids.The very idea that is represented in the name...How is anyone comfortable with this?Their divinity is a shambles. How does one pull so far from the source and still maintain a semblance of sanity? Idolators, The Book and The Cross. How has this gone on for so long?It is the charge of the atheist to assist those who have left one occasion for closed mindedness in feeling comfort in another.Letting go is letting go. Conversion is swinging from branch to branch.Never assume an understanding.lightbringerlightbringerlightbringerlightbringerlightbringerlightbringerThe stains on my fingers bring back memories of snakes and dirt. I remember being underground and lighting fires. I'm taken to unfinished houses and buried experiments.Today, they're barely recognizable, but I still have then with me now.I wonder just how different it is to experience an entire lifetime in a few days than to drag in on for 100 years. Do the moments pass by more slowly? Does one come to appreciate seconds as days? Minutes as years? Is every interaction savored?It is in relation that one defines identity.She can expect 3 things: Removal, experimentation, and incineration. Aside from this, she is just as in the dark as the rest of us.No choice, no problem.How will she see herself? How much of herself has she invested?What is it to her that is being taken away?When the occasions come to me, I hope that I will always reply with, "I am better for this loss. I am stronger for this pain. I am happier without."It is a compromise of the integrity of the vessel. It is a displacement of something obviously necessary. It is a case of matter over matter.I have no concern for discerning splinters and planks. When a problem is found it should be solved. He has only a small window into the workings of the machine. Do not trust the external. Do not trust what appears to be inside.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Confluence Current mood: awake
I overheard the cutest conversation at Al's today between 2 Turkish girls. It involved a lot of, "I swear to Allah," and, "You dirty bitch," in Turkish accents.The inspector says to wait right where I am, and he will be back. Brittany (Spears) says to me, "Let's get out of here while he's not looking. If we don't, he'll take you away." So, we make our way out of the building into the streets of Rome (Italy). We're running and holding hands all over the city for hours before hordes of people with cameras finally surround us and corner us. What do Brittany and I do? What anyone under such circumstances would, we start having crazy animal sex while standing there in the street. At the front of the gang of photographers are my parents. They too have cameras and in between taking shots of me and Brittany are talking about how much they disapprove of me having sex there in the street. I just yell back, "Shut up and keep shooting."Yet another clip from my amazing dream life. Wow, i don't even think that Brittany Spears is all that attractive....or attractive at all.An even dispersion of particles and energy in the universe would have resulted in nothing like the universe we now enjoy. It is in seeming random occurance, asymetry, and imbalance that possibilities arise.I want to cut a grand canyon. I want to break the levee.This month's bird dream has less to do with actual birds and more to do with me wearing feathers on my arms. I'm watching myself walk in an outfit that consists of bare feet, tight black pants, and sleeves covered in feathers. Not a full shirt, mind you, just sleeves. First, I'm walking on the stage at the highnote. The building is empty aside from me. It's dark, but I am fully illuminated. I walk to the edge of the stage from the back corner, and, then, the scene changes. I'm walking down a street. I think it's the five points. People are passing me and giving odd looks to my feathers. My arms are entwined behind me, and I am slowly opening them out to my sides. The scene changes again. This time, I'm on top of a building. I'm facing a crowd gathered on top of the building, and I quickly turn my back to them. I walk to the ledge, I lean forward, and I wake up.He says it's special with a tone like a kid scratching the words into a bench or the wall of bathroom stall.She'll ask me later, "was that really necessary?"I'll have to insist that it wasn't.Drunk on immorality.If it happens the way that we want it to, things will get very serious very quickly.I was glad I never heard from her. Things would have turned out much differently if I had.Motion......motion....What am I thinking about?.....Forward.To be a good existentialist, one must love one's miseries just as much as one's pleasures. That does not mean that one should seek our misery, but that one should accept it just as happily when it comes along.I want a new suit. When the weather gets to be as nice as it has been lately, it becomes more and more difficult to go to work. By the middle of May, I'll be quite obviously wollowing in misery the whole time I'm there and completely elated every time I leave. The summer can't come quickly enough for me.I'm writing new music. I'm really sick of playing the same songs over and over again. We're learning some new songs, too. I think that covers are great to have in a set not just because people like to hear familiar songs, but because it let's people know where you're coming from. It gives a context for the original music one makes. For those who care, and insider's peek:Losing: slower songs, less energetic songsGaining: faster songs, uglier songs, more original materialCutting my finger and toe nails and my hair seems like a waste of materials. I have to throw it all away. I couldn't digest it even if i tried to recycle it. I'm wasting money on the food I'm using to produce these things that I am just going to throw away. That growth should be volitional. When I want a new hair style, I will my hair to grow. When a finger or toe nail breaks, I will it to grow out so that I can cut off the damage. EFFICIENCY!The ego is at all times an obstacle.
Monday, February 27, 2006
i'll be mine. Current mood: savage
protect me protect meat this point, very few things matter to me that don't have to do with music, women, destruction, and having a good time. all that i lack is funding.i have embarked upon a new project. it isn't building. it's taking apart. i just found a new inspiration and i'm running with it.the will of my desire is enough justification for my actions. the christians (those who bother to think from time to time, anyway) believe that the christ was completely man and completely divine simultaneously. for this to be true, he would necessarily posess two wills, a divine will and a human will. this is why in the garden of gethsemane he prayed that the cup be taken from him, but that the divine will be done. this is also an explaination for his sacrifice of himself to himself, ie. the man sacrificing himself to his own divinity.it is within the substance of time that being takes form. extrinsic of this circumstance, there is no division or separation.it is a matter of equivalent exchange. the destroyer must also be that through and by which rebirth is achieved.from what i can tell. the differences between the gods of hinduism and humanity lie only in the kinds of separation from brahman each posess. this seems to be acknowledged in some forms of buddhism in which men and gods are directly addressed as being the same. sometimes, i am uncomfortable with the battles i choose. being uncomfortable isn't something aversive to me. i would much rather be uncomfortable than content. i prefer to do everything to excess. i don't live in moderation. if i dive into something, it's always face first and as hard as i can. that's why i have to choose my habits and occupations wisely.once, i was standing knee deep in the ocean and the rip-tide caught my legs. i was dragged a few meters down the beach under water and my glasses (i wore glasses at the time) were sucked off of my face never to be seen again. it was amazing. this past saturday, bloody mike, Mr. D, hunter, and i went to see the sex workers' art show, and it was amazing. i highly recommend attending if at all possible. their web site has a list of dates for this year's tour.i'm working on a few songs at once. this means that work is coming along slowly. different themes. in a related note, i left one of my notebooks in a bar last week and have yet to pick it back up. problematic. it had a couple of the new songs in it, and i don't remember them without it. i like the one that i started tonight. it's called "i'll be mine." i doubt that The Homos will do anything with it, but maybe i will some day on my own.alcohol greatly diminishes my creative output.since the discovery of therapods with feathers, all of the shows about prehistoric life that i've seen that feature therapods have shown them with feathers. i really like it. velociraptors with blue and green feathers are far more fun than the redish, scaley animals of jurassic park. thanks discovery chanel.i had heard that humans can have a genetic disorder that causes skin cells to be shed in the form of scales. i am having trouble, however, finding anything out about it.last month's dream:i'm holding a cage. it's about two feet long, one foot wide, and 6 inces deep. in it are red and black flowers that look a lot like the followingthe doors on the top of the cage come open, and the flowers begin turning into tiny blue and black birds about the size of finches. what is happening is the birds are puting their wings up over their heads and turning their feathers out so that they look like flowers because their under-feathers are red and black. well, when the birds hop out onto the top of the cage, larger birds that looked like doves come swooping down to catch and eat them. i have to swat the larger birds away and put all of the little birds/flowers back into the cage. by far, the most visually beautiful dream i've ever had.that's all for now.
Monday, January 23, 2006
Persistence Current mood: Open
"We will each write a ghost story," said Lord Byron, and his proposition was acceded to. -Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley the construction of a persona for oneself is an activity to which people should pay more careful and close attention. you are what you make yourself. i, too, should be a bit more careful."And where does he now exist? Is this gentle and lovely being lost forever? Has this mind, so replete with ideas, imaginations fanciful nad magnificent, which formed a world, whose existence depended on the life of its creator - has this mind perished?"the buddhist discribe it as the trasient nature of the universe. it is the tendency and necessity of all things in existence to change. this includes coming in to existence and ceasing to exist. i've heard western philosophers call the acceptance of such as a "grim resolve." it is, dispite this seemingly loaded description, a necessary resolve.a person cannot be free without it.it isn't self preservation that keeps me from it. it seems that self-destruction is for the most part my primary motivator. i don't fee that i have the right to put those i love in positions where i know that they will be hurt.i want to live in a place that allows me to dance as wildly as i want without having to worry about taking out a lamp."Man's yesterday may ne'er be like his morrow:Nought may endure but mutability!"self-destruction in terms of psyche. i have no motivation to do away with myself physically. i'm not that kind of coward.the pain in my head makes me want to turn the music up even louder. i do the same thing when a tooth aches. if something hurts, i exacerbate it until it learns its lesson. this makes me think of dostoevsky.you take the pieces of all of the lives you live and you make something interesting out of them. i call them my skins or my corpses. you weave them together into what you want to be, and when you stop wanting that, you make something new.i want to learn to breath and eat fire, but i don't want to burn off my face in the process.she sings like her father. the cadence, she learned it from him.when standing and feeling unsteady, i try to think about the earth and the way that it extends in a seemingly infinite expanse in all directions.the only way to feel okay with the things that you do seeming like they are all for nothing is to make that your intention in the first place. the secret to abandoning disappointment all together is to enter into experience and action without expectation for any outcome, positive or negative."The form of the monster on whom I had bestowed existence was forever before my eyes, and i raved incessantly concerning him."my shadow agrees. the lights should be out.i'm running so low on the materials necessary to fake it that i believe i will have go give them the real thing for a while.hume describes it a few thousand years after the hindus and the buddha. in buddhism i've heard it described as the coalescence of the aggregates of the self. the self is itself not a being. it in fact does not exist. the only things that are knowable are metaphysical simples, perceptions. a girl made me think about this recently durring a conversation about cloning. she is a christian and asked, "do you believe in souls?"to which i replied, "i have a hard enough time believing that i exist most days. i don't make that kind of leap."god, i think i understand heidegger now.....
Monday, January 02, 2006
The Ride Current mood: Tired, but Really Good
the plan was this: go to nashville, meet andrija, go to parties, guerilla rock, get arrested; end up back at the house at some point.what happend was this: go to nashville; meet andrija; go to parties; HATE the parties; get lost/lose most of The Homos at 2:00a.m.; go to memphis with Roo, Shona, and Justice at 2:30 a.m.; stay in worst motel in memphis from 5:30 to 10:30 a.m., but don't sleep because of the stymulants still pumping in the blood; realize what a bad idea sparks, champagne, and coffee are when consumed together; have an awesome day in memphis; drive for 6 years back to town; go to dinner; pass out watching the exorcism of emily rose.yeah, it's been a good weekend. i'm really glad i'm off work today. did you know that vegans in memphis either move out or die from starvation? it's true. there isn't a goddamned thing for a vegan to eat in memphis. it's all barbecue and fried fish. jeez. we had such a good time on our spontaneous road trip. the motel that we stayed in had a sign that read "M T L." apparently, vowels are way too expensive for them to be bothered to buy even 2. the biggest question that arose from staying in this place was regarding the shoe scuff marks on the walls. they were up near the ceiling. what the hell would a person have to be doing to scuff their shoes that high up on the walls? i mean, i'm a pretty adventurous guy, but wow. Shona, me, and a little bit of Rachael (Roo)Justice at the window, Rachael in the chair, The Monster changing channels with toes.Walking the streets of MemphisI'm really not sure what I'm doing here.I decided to give a lesson on transcription-RNA...or maybe we were looking for food.this sign roughly translates to "Vegans Go Home!"there are few people in the world that i could stand being in the car with for as long as our group was together. thanks guys. maybe, we can do it again. next time we're going to vegas.friday night was really good as well. it included more heart-to-hearts with elliott and a whole load of drinking at metal head john's with Roo, charlie conway, metal head kevin, chuck, and camcakes. we went bar hopping in tuscaloosa where i met ANOTHER cute lesbian from new orleans. sorry, KOD, but i didn't get her number for you. she had a girlfriend, anyway. i know this because i made out with both of them. FUN TIMES! i was almost kicked out of that bar. they apparently don't take too kindly to people who don't wear shirts. at the next bar, i met some really nice girls. one really pretty girl with blue eyes and dark hair who made fun of the other people in the bar with me. hooray for boys with baseball caps and little to no sense. girls are awesome. i just can't get along with boys most of the time. my phone died early in the evening, so i couldn't round up everyone in town to hop with us. sorry.man, i'm glad that i'm back to having a good time.sorry, but this is blog is free of the usual musings. i just wanted to update you guys on my splendiferous weekend. happy new year, everyone. make it a good one.
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Source Current mood: Expansive (not espensive)
when i woke up this morning, i looked like i had been lynched by a mob of angry drag queens. according to my stomach, they're still dragging me behind their pt cruiser.this has nothing to do with you. i live my life one sledge hammer blow to the head at a time. how the hell did i get here?someone said to me last night that he had not seen me in a long time. i said that i wasn't around too much. he asked me where i had been and i didn't have an answer. i'm not sure how i feel about that. what have i been doing?don't try to fool yourself. no one is above the influence.i live epileptically. my ictal lover. is this the aura left over from the last or leading up to the next grand mal? my myoclonic interests. my atonic conviction. locking and releasing. exhausting blackouts. firing and firing and firing.does it make sense to anyone else that my fingernails feel heavy today? i know i don't have any tactile sensory neurons in my fingernails, but the feel different.i'm really not sure why men feel comfortable acting more "gay" around me, but they do. straight guys will kiss each other like crazy when i'm around. this goes especially for guys at my shows. i don't think they kiss that much when i'm not around. guys always want to kiss me, too. these are guys who claim to be straight. i guess everyone's a little gay, and i just happen to bring it out of people. no offence meant here boys. i'm not saying whether or not this is a good thing for these guys, but i'm really not interested in making out with a bunch of guys....or any guys for that matter. skulldura materarachnoid layerpia matercortexparietalfrontal occipitaltemporalcerebellumbrain stemspinal chordshe pushes me. she sees how far she can get with me, and i just take it. to this day i can't say why.something needs to happen and soon. this is what i've been refering to as deliquescing. i've stopped seeing myself as a solid object. i've become fluid in a way that doesn't make me more able to adapt or move through situations, but in a way that makes me leach out into everything around me to the point of losing definition. there has to be a way that i can use this to my advantage.he said to me after the show, "your scream is much better than mine." in a weird way, i really appreciate that.eating the aminita muscaria will induce hallucinations. drinking the urine of a person who has recently eaten the aminita muscaria provides a much more intense experience as the chemical is isolated in the individual's body and expelled in the urine. eating the aminita phelodes will begin a process that modern medical science has yet to find a way to stop. it systematially shuts down a person's internal organs until they eventually and painfully die. all a doctor can do is give an individual who has ingested the aminita phelodes morphine so that she/he cares less about the excruciating pain. same genus, different species. know your mushrooms.i may have to marry the first girl who can cook me a really good bowl of kitsune soba.i've started puting much more space between what i write. observation.if i could have a pair of wings, i would want them to be the same color as my hair. that just seems to make sense.i think i'm done with this one.
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